The Secret Ingredient

The 50/50 conversations are underway and what a gift this has been already! I've talked to ten women so far and have been touched by every conversation. In fact, this letter is based on one of those conversations.

We were chatting about the idea of "connection," especially related to parenting. She shared that a big lesson for her as a parent has been that all kids really need is love. That you don't have to have all the answers to a situation, you just have to love them through it. 

This is undoubtedly hard when they are acting out, being defiant or otherwise melting down. The thing is, no matter the behavior, what they really need in that moment is love.

She said, "That was my lesson. In order to create a connection, I have to not say anything. You can just be there." 

Maybe it's holding their hand or saying something simple like, "I'm here." Then she chuckled that it works for spouses, too.

Later in the day, I opened an email newsletter from Esther Perel and read the following quote (feedback she received from a peer):

We have to remember that when people aren’t listening, it’s because they don’t feel heard.

It took me back to my earlier conversation about meltdowns and kids (and spouses). Disconnection happens when we don't feel seen or heard.

It takes massive amounts of courage and practice to set aside our own agenda, our own desire to be heard (or to be right), and open to a receptive space of listening.

What is the underlying need here?
What is really being said?
Are more words necessary or helpful?

It's a worthy practice.

I thought maybe with the holidays upon us, this might be a useful theme or inquiry to bring into your conversations or to the dinner table. 

These first ten conversations have made it even more clear that this is why I wanted to do this project in the first place: we just want connection.

It's not about knowing the right thing to say, or your ability to fix someone's dilemma. It's about presence, it's about being there, really listening, and the gift of being witnessed just as you are. Not a little bit better, not less grumpy or more put together. No. Just as you are.
Michelle