Invisibility
It dawned on me last week that there’s a nuance to why life is so stressful in these days of the pandemic: We are all trying to avoid something that is invisible.
As I say it now, it seems quite obvious, and perhaps you have already recognized this. Still, I think it’s worth pointing out the added stress this creates for our nervous systems. Constantly on watch for something we can’t see.
There’s another type of invisibility that is worth mentioning: Invisible loss.
In grief, an invisible loss is one that is less tangible, and therefore less likely to be acknowledged in our culture. Common invisible losses include pregnancy loss, loss of a dream, a private health condition, as well as the many intangible "secondary" losses that come with a more traditional loss, like the loss of financial security or household support when a spouse dies.
This lack of acknowledgement means we must name and claim the invisible losses for ourselves. Ironically, this can make us feel even more alone.
Historically, grief has never been private. Sociologically, perhaps even biologically, it is not natural for us to process our grief alone, without the love and witnessing of the tribe.
Herein lie some of the complexities that we’re facing:
The virus itself is invisible.
Many of the losses we are experiencing as a result of the virus and as a result of trying to avoid it are invisible.
Culturally, we do not honor invisible losses.
Even when we do acknowledge loss, we have been taught to handle it swiftly and alone.
While we all have different grieving styles and there is no correct way to grieve, generally, grief wants to be witnessed and respected.
What can that look like? Here are just a few ideas:
Make a list of the things you’re missing about your pre-pandemic life. Letting yourself name the losses you’re experiencing can help make sense of the emotions like sadness, frustration or loneliness you might be feeling.
Talk about these feelings and losses with a trusted friend or a therapist. Sharing our vulnerabilities and being reflected and validated is essential for integration and wholeness. It also makes us feel less alone to realize others are having a similar experience.
Set up an altar for your grief. This is one of my favorite practices. An altar can be as simple and informal as a photo and a leaf on your nightstand, or it can be elaborate with symbols, statues and offerings. I have altars all over my home, although most people wouldn't identify them as such. Having a grief altar gives us a place to put our sadness, or a place to go to be with our grief. It gives us a place to honor and acknowledge the losses. It reminds us that we are multidimensional beings with a wide spectrum of experiences in this one life, which is part of a larger cycle of death and birth. It also gives our grief a place. Since many of these losses are invisible, this tangible marker can be helpful.
Express your grief. Draw your grief, paint what it feels like, write it a letter. Any way to be in conversation with our feelings helps integrate rather than isolate.
Give yourself permission to have your own experience. Your feelings, thoughts, ideas about and during this pandemic are yours! Watch for any "shoulds." If you want a whole day on the couch, do it! If you want to put on your best duds and go for a walk, do it! If you are feeling sad, angry, confused, scared, disappointed, if you've gained 10 pounds, of course!!
Look through photo albums of a happy trip, a celebration or a joyful time in your life. Research shows that remembering and reminiscing can help us feel connected to our loved ones, improve mood and reduce pain. During the SIP time, it can also bring awe and gratitude for the big, beautiful world out there and hope for future happy times.
Script-flippers like a gratitude list, affirmations, starting a new hobby and even the photo suggestion above are all great in conjunction with honoring the losses. Ignoring the losses with a "positive" band aid sets us up for a compartmentalized life, which can lead to dis-ease or even disease.
As always, I'd love to hear about your experience. What invisible losses are you mourning? Is it helpful to give yourself permission to grieve? Feel free to share a photo of your altar.
Even though we are physically distanced, we can stay emotionally close. ♥
Sending love,
Michelle
Michelle Marlahan
Where Self Care becomes Soul Care
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