No Gifts, Please
Back in the late 2000s, my family did the Compact -- a pledge to not buy anything new other than food, toiletries and personal essentials for one year. No clothes, books, decor, etc, unless it was secondhand.
When the holidays rolled around, it seemed natural to extend our experiment even further. We celebrate Christmas and decided that year to forgo material gifts altogether.
I wrote a letter about our "no gifts" Christmas and sent it out in the Thanksgiving cards. The letter said plainly that we already had more than we needed and we wanted to "rediscover simplicity, charity and giving with a bigger purpose by making charitable donations in lieu of gifts." I listed four organizations we would be supporting and asked family and friends to consider donating as our gift.
This request did not go over well. Like, not at all.
My mom was bereft and couldn't wrap her head around what no presents would even look like. My siblings likely did a collective eye roll (here she goes again with another weird thing). Even my sweet aunt, who never says boo, expressed her unhappiness. I was the Scrooge of the season.
Wait, what?
Understandably, people had clarifying questions. Can I still get you something? Won't it be weird if we are opening presents and you aren't? What about Allie? (My bonus daughter was 12 and she was totally into the Compact. TBT, we did have a couple of things under the tree for her.) Overall, people were confused and thought it was strange and selfish.
I had not expected such a stir. In fact, I thought some people might be relieved. Let's be honest... there is a lot of pressure to find the "perfect" gift for people who have everything they want, it takes time and money to shop, wrap and in some cases mail packages, and in my family, there is a fair amount of complaining about all of it. I thought others might also appreciate a year off.
Nope.
Over and over, I had to hold the boundary. I emphasized that I was not trying to ruin Christmas -- quite the opposite! I wanted to spend time with my loved people, making cookies, watching movies, going caroling. I didn't want to further contribute to consumerism by giving or receiving "stuff" that no one needed.
Interestingly, the more pushback I got, the more resolved I felt. Sure, there were a few people I liked buying presents for. But there were others I just needed to find something to give. The running around, wrapping and mailing had been a chore rather than a joy the past few years.
More than anything, I didn't want more stuff! Every year I make two piles as I open presents -- the things I'm going to keep go in one pile; and the things going straight to the donation center go in another. Ruthless, I know. But I curate what comes into my home with care. I do my absolute best to buy small + local, eco + sustainable. The things in my space reflect my values. I don't expect other people to know exactly what those are.
We did it!
Even though gift exchanges were awkward (several people still got presents for me and others made passive-aggressive comments that made the moment uncomfortable), I loved not having to think about my gift list and budget and getting things in the mail on time. I loved focusing on the small delights that brought me joy -- handmaking holiday cards, Christmas movie snuggles, holiday light strolls.
But then...
So... you'd think I'd have stayed "no gift" again the next year, right? Nope. I went back to status quo and the standard gift expectations in my family. Why? As a mere young babe (in my 30s), it was difficult to swim against the current. Not so much of societal/cultural/patriarchal expectations of the holidays, what generosity looks like, and what my role is as a woman. No, for me, it was harder to go against the other-centered people-pleasing force of my conditioning (which is completely related to the above). So I rejoined the holidaze scramble and I've been there ever since.
Until this year...
It's pretty hard to not start thinking about the holidays as early as October -- not only has the retail been out at the major chain stores, I heard Christmas music last week. Sigh, boo. Bah, humbug!
I'm sitting down with myself this week and considering how I want the last 6 weeks of the year to go. And I don't think it includes the added stress of shopping and shipping to-dos.
Completely valid reasons to modify or stop your holiday gifting
Even if you generally enjoy the holiday season, here are three reasons to consider doing things differently this year:
If you have recently experienced a loss of a job, loved one, home or other loss that is taking you through an underworld tour of grief. If you are treading water, your time, energy and/or money is best redirected back to yourself. You get a universal pass.
If you go into debt to buy gifts. Credit card debt is a record $1.08 trillion in the US. Your loved ones don't want you to compromise your financial well-being just to have something to wrap. See below for other ideas.
If it brings you stress and angst. There is so much happening in the world, in your community and perhaps in your life that could feel like a hundred pound bolder right now. If the coming season feels like it might tip that bolder over the edge, you can opt out of parties, gifts and any other aspect that is stressful for you. No is complete sentence!
What if you like giving gifts?
You don't have to go live in the cave with the Grinch and give up gifts altogether. Here are a few ways to be more moderate and intentional with gifting while staying in the giving and receiving spirit.
Come to a gifting agreement in your family or friends circles. There are so many ways to do this.
Draw names, spending limit, kids under 12 only, family gift instead of individual gifts, specify the kinds or number of gifts.
Combine a material gift with an experience or time together.
Give "practical" gifts -- grocery gift cards, cash or household essentials. We have so much pressure to make a gift perfectly personal. What if it was wonderfully useful instead?
Donate to charity.
Shop local.
Shop with makers and artists.
Prioritize BIPOC-owned business.
Make your gifts.
And if planning, shopping, wrapping and exchanging presents lights you up like a Christmas tree ;), then wonderful!
If not... there are lots of possibilities between NO gifts and ALL the gifts. I've heard the movement toward a more conscientious practice of gifting and decreasing consumption and waste being called "slow gifting."
If you're not sure yet where you land with all of this, here are four questions to ask yourself:
What is my true feeling about the gift approach I've been using?
If I didn't exchange presents, how else could I express my love?
What else could I do with the money I would have spent?
How can I gift more in line with my values?
How is this landing with you? Do you have special holiday traditions that feel wonderful? Do you love or dread choosing and giving gifts? I'd love to hear... and if you got this far, thanks for reading!
With love,
