The importance of feeling safe
Feeling safe isn't just an emotional nicety.
When we feel threatened, our biology steps in. Hormones are released that increase the heart rate, blood pressure and blood flow, small airways in the lungs expand, our vision narrows as our other senses sharpen. We can't control any of this. This response is millions of years old and happens without thought.
Now, why we don't feel safe is another story. The threat might be real (being stalked by a cougar) or imagined (worrying about being stalked by a cougar while camping).
The thing is, to a certain degree, the effect in the body is the same whether the threat is real or not. This response is also activated when the threat is not life-threatening, which is why the medical world has labeled "chronic stress" as a major factor in illness and dis-ease.
We're designed to move fluidly in and out of the stress response -- there's a threat, the nervous system activates the appropriate response to flee or fight, we escape, we recover and the nervous system resets back to a regulated state.
The "threats" of our times are more constant, as well as intangible -- deadlines, mortgages, traffic jams, societal pressure. We don't get the chance to cycle completely through the response and reset, re-regulate. The overabundance of stress hormones in the body causes a big mess.
It's easy to understand that not feeling safe makes it really hard to sleep.
And you know how I feel about sleep.
Recently I was in Berkeley for another training. I stayed at a hotel this time. It was an intense training and I was feeling out of sorts, out of myself. What I really needed was good sleep and I didn't want to mess around with the possibility of not getting it.
When I'm disregulated like this, otherwise known as vata-deranged, one of the things that plagues me is fear. Just a general umbrella of anxiety. I manage well through the daytime hours, but it shows up with a siren and spotlight at night. Sometimes I experience it as a non-specific worry about life; other times it can be a specific obsession, for example, a fear of someone breaking in and attacking me.
This seems crazy in the light of day, but at night, my heart races, I hear every single sound and I can't sleep.
You can't talk or rationalize yourself back into regulation.
That's not the way the nervous system works.
Knowing that I needed good sleep to help keep me grounded, I did what would make me feel safe: I leaned the ironing board against the bathroom door, which opened to the entrance door. My rationale being, if the door moved, I'd have a lot of warning!
Did I feel a little crazy setting this up every night? A LOT crazy! Did it help me sleep? YES.
I'm not saying we should always indulge our neuroses. Gradually increasing my window of tolerance for fear and anxiety is a good practice. And using all my tools and resources for regulation is hugely important.
And... there are times to self soothe in the way that works (as long as it is safe for everyone), even if it doesn't make sense in a "rational" mindset.
What my fear told me is not that I'm unstable and need help being more reasonable and sane.
It showed me just how stressed my system was, how I hadn't been caring for my basic needs.
Once I recognized that, I could address the core issue.
"Safety precedes curiosity."
This is one of my favorite teachings: safety precedes curiosity.
And to be curious is to engage with the wonder and awe and beauty of life.
And isn't that what we all want?
It starts with feeling safe.
What does it take for you to feel safe?
How easy is it for you to give that to yourself?
What does feeling unsafe teach you?
Michelle Marlahan
Where Self Care becomes Soul Care
Join me for a free live webinar on How to Create a Grief Altar to Ease Heartache | Instagram | Facebook